When I eat healthily, I don’t do it because I like to. I don’t particularly love the taste of chicken breast from the instant pot and steamed broccoli. I eat healthy because I want to be healthy—specifically, physically.
When it comes to being healthy mentally, there are lots of things we can do. Practically everything affects our mental/emotional/spiritual health. But I want to argue, and I think science backs this up, that our relationships play a stronger role than most other things.
If food is the general term we call everything we put in our mouths that affects our physical health, relationships are the general team we call every human interaction we have that affects our mental health. And if we survive and thrive on relationships just as much as we do food, then we should think about and treat our relationships a little more like food.
Here are a few ways we can apply our thinking about food to our thinking about relationships.
4 Ways To Think About Your Relationships
1. Relationships as Fuel
In nutritional science, all food in its most basic form is measured in how much energy it gives a person. The technical term for this unit of energy is called a calorie.
Depending on our bodies and lifestyle, each of us burns a number of calories each day and consequently needs to consume. When we consume fewer calories than we burn in a day, we lose a combination of muscle and fat. When we consume more calories than we burn, it turns into muscle and fat.
When speaking of introverts and extroverts, introverts get more energy from small and intimate gatherings and extroverts get more energy from large gatherings.
When we think about our relationships, we should consider that all our relationships give us energy.
2. The Types of Relationships
In nutritional science, nutrients are broken down into three main categories: protein, carbs, and fats.
All of us need a different ratio of macronutrients depending on our bodies and goals. We can’t survive solely on any one or even two of these macronutrients aside from some who may need it for specific medical reasons.
According to sociologists, there are 3 types of loneliness and thus types of relationships that we all need:
- Emotional loneliness- The longing for someone you can be authentic and intimate with and with whom you share a deep bond and level of trust.
- Social loneliness- The longing for quality friendships, social companionship, and support.
- Communal loneliness – The longing to be a part of a community that shares the same values and interests.
For a long time, our bodies can survive without certain macronutrients, but eventually, our bodies will tell us. Having lots of emotional relationships is great, but if you’re lacking community, I’m not sure if that’s optimal for your mental health. In fact, data shows marriage doesn’t complete people (Sorry Tom).
When we think about our relationships, we should consider if we are engaging in adequate amounts, for each type of relationship.
3. The Quality of Your Relationships
We all know that not all foods are equal. Some foods are dense in nutrients (e.g. broccoli, sweet potatoes, eggs) and others are not (e.g. white bread, white rice, donuts). And just as there are foods that are nutrient-rich or dense, so too are there relationships that are life-rich or life-dense.
But just as our bodies have a limit to how many calories we consume before it turns into fat, our soul/spirit has a limit on the number of relationships it can engage in and our lives have a limit on time.
Some people, like (some) family members, and our closest friends, give us much more life than an interaction with a stranger (usually!). We say we had a “life-giving conversation” or “that relationship is a very life-giving relationship.”
Given our limited time and relational capacity, therefore, as we think about food in terms of”nutrient density,” we should think about our relationships as “life density.”
4. Unhealthy Relationships
I’m allergic to peanuts. Not deathly, but they don’t sit well in my stomach. So, I avoid them.
Now I hate the word toxic or poisonous— especially if it refers to people, so I won’t. But could we say that some people are like allergies? Not bad in and of themselves (I don’t think the world would be better without peanuts!), but maybe just not great for us. They cause rashes, hives, and irritation to the stomach.
Finally, some people may simply be hurtful and not helpful. They’re not bad people, just like peanuts, but there’s something not quite right with us, that makes it hard if not unhealthy to be in a relationship with them.
Maybe when they’re healthier, or you’re healthier, this relationship will become nutritious, but for now, you might want to consider some space.
Given that some people may hurt us or be unhealthy for us, we should think about some of our relationships as allergies.
Next Steps
1. Inventory Your Relationships
This may or may not sound fun to you—it may even sound judgmental— but take an inventory of your relationships. Categorize every person or group you interact with within each of the 3 relationships. Then, if you feel so bold, write down their “nutritional information.” Then answer these questions:
- Are you severely lacking in any relationship?
- Is there a relationship that you may spend too much on?
- Are there “life dense” people in your lives you should spend more time with?
- How does an ideal day, week, and month incorporate all three relationships?
2. Discern Your Relationships
Not everyone in your life will necessarily be nutrient-rich and life isn’t just about our own happiness. Though our well-being is extremely important to our ability to live, flourish, and ultimately fulfill our purpose in life, serving people (all our purpose in some way), will not always be enjoyable. Just as you can’t choose your kids, your students, or your patients, you can’t fully choose who you are called to serve.
There will be people in our lives that we don’t jump out of bed excited to see, we sometimes might even feel drained after seeing them, but that doesn’t mean we cut them off. You might not feel it, but you may be the only life-giving relationship/person in their own life.
3. Lead Your Relationships
As any parent knows, parenting is love and leadership at the max. You must love your child in the worst of times, even when you don’t want to and you also have to lead them into new ways of interaction with you (e.g. no more breastfeeding!).
Likewise, for most if not all people in our lives, there is a certain level of leadership required. In every relationship, be it parenting, marriage, friendship, work, etc, there is a level of leadership or intentionality required.
- For your emotional relationships, deepen the emotional threshold of your conversations.
- For your social relationships, initiate more connections or plan an event.
- For your social relationships, put yourself out there to serve your community and get to know others in it.
If you’d like to work through any of these steps with someone experienced and passionate about helping you build sort and build your relationships so you can have a healthier mental, physical, and emotional life, I’d love to connect. Write me at hello @ ryanlui.com to start a conversation. No pressure or strings attached.
